God's Will allows you to carry yourself
by CassieAggie
Summary: God's Will allows you to carry yourself... (Set after Reid finds out that JJ and Hotch lied to him about Emily's death; at Rossi's place) Betrayal hurts; it's a pain far greater than any human deserves to feel...


**God's Will allows you to carry yourself...**

(Set after Reid finds out that JJ and Hotch lied to him about Emily's death; at Rossi's place)

_**Betrayal hurts; it's a pain far greater than any human deserves to feel...**_

"I'm glad you made it."

"Well I couldn't resist, Rossi cooking! Not too often I get to witness that. You never know, I might even actually learn how to cook something."

"I think you know what I mean Spence."

Reid sipped his wine and averted his gaze. "I just wanted to make small talk... before we delve into the deep stuff. Jennifer... I..."

JJ cut him off, "We don't have to talk about it, if you don't want to."

"Wasn't that the whole point of this shindig, for you and I to talk it out, clear the air."

"I guess, but if you're uncomfortable..."

"Jennifer, I said some hurtful things to you and I'm not proud of my behaviour. I've had time to reflect and I know I was a complete ass."

"I think a lot of stuff could have been handled differently; you're not the only one who has had time to reflect."

"I get that you were placed in a difficult situation and I know it was unfair of me to take it out on you; I really do get that."

JJ took a deep breath, "Spence... what you said, about taking Dilaudid... I hate myself for putting you in that headspace."

Reid bit his bottom lip and said shakily "That's one of the things I regret saying the most. Let's be clear Jennifer, that was totally uncalled for. If I had gone down that path, that decision would have been mine to own and mine alone. I had no right to put that on you, on anybody. That's one of the golden rules of the program, to own your actions."

"Well I'm just glad you didn't take that road. I don't think any of us, me, Hotch or Emily, would ever forgive ourselves."

"Well you don't have to worry; like I said, I thought about it but I didn't act on it. I just doubled up my meetings schedule and I fought through the urge."

"I'm so happy to hear that, and so proud of you..."

"Jennifer do you have any idea of the side-effects from Dilaudid... apart from the mood swings you witnessed first-hand I mean... nausea, vomiting, dizziness, itching, swelling... I know I've made some dumb choices in my life and I probably will make more but I'm smart enough to know that that's never the easy way out or the easiest road to travel. No matter what the situation, I will always fight hard to keep my sobriety, I can promise you that."

Dave joined them. He topped up their glasses, "I want you two to take time out to enjoy this evening... and you Reid, you need to eat some pasta, it will put meat on those bones!"

Spence laughed "I will, I promise."

Dave gave him a cheeky grin and a wink and went on his way.

JJ smiled "He's happy that you're here too."

"MM, cos he wants to fatten me up!"

"It's the Italian coming out in him... Spence, are you and I going to be okay to work together?"

Reid felt his cheeks warming, and not just from the wine. "I'm embarrassed for the way I acted on our last case, please don't make me relive it JJ."

She smiled, "You really know how to put a girl in her place!"

Reid managed a grin "It was totally unprofessional and you so didn't deserve that lip, not as an agent of your standing."

"Well thank you for saying that."

"JJ, I need you to understand where I was coming from. I was in a bad place, I had 'lost' Emily and I was hurting... I know that was very selfish because as far as I knew then, we had all 'lost' her. I was coming to you as a friend for comfort and understanding because I thought you would understand it, get it... To find out that the whole time you knew differently... well it tore me apart. I felt hurt, betrayed and lied to. I know you didn't really have a choice, but it didn't make it hurt any less."

"I know Spence... You need to know something too. I went to Hotch several times and told him that we needed to tell you the truth but every time he would sit me down and reiterate how dangerous it would be for Emily if people didn't believe she was gone. She herself wanted to tell you, but again, we knew it was the wrong thing, for her and for Declan. It broke her heart to know how much you were hurting; she cares a lot about you, we all do but it had to be done... I'm just sorry I let you down, as a friend."

"I didn't know that, that you went to Hotch. That can't have been easy."

"It wasn't, but I had to try. Spence, do you think you'll ever trust me again? I need to know..."

Reid thought for a few long moments and said earnestly "Jennifer, out there, in the field, I would trust you with my life... as I would any of these people..."

"But?"

"But honestly, I don't think I'll ever fully trust anyone with my deepest thoughts or emotions again. I don't say that to hurt you, but I truly think it's a situation that I'll find hard to face up to."

Tears welled in JJ's eyes, "I knew that would be your answer and I can't say I blame you... but I had to hear it from you. I'm so sorry Spence... excuse me."

JJ walked away.

The others had seen a tearful JJ walk outside. It was a race to see who would go where. When Hotch saw Emily go after JJ, he made a bee-line for Reid.

"Reid, is everything okay?"

"Not really, no."

"I had hoped, because you decided to come tonight, that you could..."

"What? Move on, build a bridge, get over myself?"

"No. I hoped that you would talk to us, clear the air."

"I talked to JJ. I cleared the air."

"And she walked out in tears."

"She asked me a question, I guess she didn't like my answer." He gulped down half his wine to quell his building anxiety.

"Reid, I know you're angry and I get it but to work effectively, as a team, we have to fix this."

"She came to you and asked you to tell me the truth about Prentiss."

"Yes, more than once. I had to stand by my decision, I did then and I do now. For Emily's sake and for the safety of Declan, we couldn't risk telling people what really happened. It was my decision to make and at the time, it was the only viable choice I had."

Reid emptied the last of his wine.

Outside, "JJ, he'll come around... please don't be upset."

"Emily, he will never trust me again! He won't ever trust anyone again."

"He told you that?"

"Yep, and I don't blame him. He said he would trust any one of us with his life, out there - on the job - but he won't ever be able to trust his feelings to anyone."

"Oh. Well I can see why you're upset. .. but I'll talk to him."

"It's no use Emily; he feels betrayed and there's nothing that is going to fix that."

Emily got indignant, "Well I have to try!"

Back inside, Morgan saw the 'stand- off' between Reid and Hotch. A wall had sprung up and this situation needed saving. He handed his glass to Garcia and said enthusiastically "Come on Rossi, let's get this party started. Crank it up Maestro!"

Rossi read the lie of the room and moved to the stereo. Dean Martin wasn't going to cut it tonight. He slipped a fresh CD into the player and cranked the volume. Moments later the room was filled with the silky tones of Don McLean's American Pie, the go-to song that everyone knew the words to at any given moment, in any given destination. Derek and Penelope led the charge. By the time the chorus rang out for the second time, JJ and Emily had moved back inside, Spencer was refilling his glass and Aaron had become a trio with Morgan and Garcia as they belted out their rendition of the classic.

Rossi stood back in hope that his choice of song would do the trick.

By the time McLean was taking charge with The Father, The Son and The Holy Ghost, his guests were back on track. Emily and JJ had joined the trio and even Hotch was doing his best to show off his not-so dulcet tones.

Reid joined Rossi at the bar. Dave said, a little on the cautious side "They're all here for you kiddo, every last one of them."

Spencer looked around at his workmates, his friends, his family and as McLean milked the last drop of his tune he felt the knot in the pit of his stomach loosening. He didn't fight it when Garcia took him by the hand and led him to the circle that had formed and joined in as 'the music died' one last time.

Dave moved in for action with a bottle in each hand, one red, one white and began his hosting duty of refilling glasses.

Another change of CD and bodies began moving to the music. Emily made a move to Reid; she took his glass-free hand and slowly but surely got him moving. A smile emerged on his face and she gave him her widest grin.

When they all sat to feast on the pasta Penelope tinkled her glass and said shakily "I have something to say, please indulge me... Thanks to Agent Rossi, we are all here... we sit here in this circle, each of us having lost someone very important to us... Life is about living through the tragedies, holding on to what is left behind and treasuring the love we are yet to experience. Each and every person here has had their core rocked with turmoil, a loved one taken from them and has felt the despair with a piece of their heart being taken from them but it is how you carry yourself afterwards that really counts. You can lose a sister, a wife, a parent, a mother of your precious child or even a friend and you have to bounce back - that's God's Will. Sometimes we need grief in our lives to truly see the beauty that surrounds us every day - I honestly believe that - I _**have**_ to believe that. Put aside your fears, your tears, your anger and loss and embrace what God has left in its place... that's all I'm saying."

Glasses were lifted, tears were brushed away and smiles appeared on faces. Friendship and love took the place of tears and anger at Rossi's that night and this group of people would now continue to carry themselves a little higher from here on out.


End file.
